It's been awhile since my last post.  To be honest, it's been really nice not thinking all things TTC related for awhile.  I'm pretty sure I ovulated on my own about 2 weeks after my m/c and started my period right on time 2 weeks after that.  So I'm almost 2 weeks in again and waiting to see if I get those O feelings.  When my next period starts we're supposed to call the Dr and start our next round of Clomid.  I'm nervous and anxious and excited and scared and a million other feelings.  We were undecided for awhile if we wanted to start trying again right away or if we wanted to wait awhile, but as it's getting closer we're both feeling like trying sooner than later will just be better for us.  A couple of girls have just newly gotten pregnant at work and all of their baby and pregnancy talk is driving me crazy!  But it'll be me one day, and I'm trying to be positive and hopeful.  In the meantime  I adopted 2 new little baby kittens who needed a home.  They are so cute!!  They are sisters and all black with tiny bits of white on their chests.  My older dog and cat have taken some time getting used to them, but I think it;s really working out.  My husband about had a cow, but I think in light of everything that's happened he understands my need for little babies in the house.  As I type they're curled up on my stomach and getting very much in the way.  So that's all that's new in my world.  We've decided not to tell anyone that we;re trying again or when or where we are in our cycles or anything.  I want this next process to just be me and him until I've been pregnant for over 14 weeks, so it may be awhile.  I'm hoping all of our trying last time gave us the right combination for success this time.  OK, it's late and I really need to sleep!

Feeling better

It's the end of my week off and I'm feeling ready to go back to work.  I like not working, but I'm tired of just sitting at home and not going anywhere.  It'll be nice to finally get out.  I'm feeling better about everything.  The bleeding has just about stopped, but I still have a lot of cramping whenever I use the bathroom.  And if my bladder is full and I have to hold it for any length of time it presses up against my uterus and it just hurts.  My mom says it's probably just more sensitive to everything right now because of the pregnancy.  It makes me wonder if all women who get pregnant and have babies can feel their uterus at any time for the rest of their lives.  Mine is very present.  I go in for my final lab work tomorrow and then see my Dr. Tuesday.  I asked at the last appt how long I would have to wait for my period to come before I take medicine to help it along and she said 6 weeks.  I don't have the best track record with periods coming when they should, so I'm predicting that I'll need the progesterone to get it going.  I have tons left over from when I took them while I was pregnant, so I might as well use them at some point.  I'm nervous and excited and scared and anxious to start trying again.  A big part of me fears that if I get pregnant I'll just miscarry again, and the other part of me doesn't want to believe it could happen to me twice in a row.  I'll just have to see how I feel when and if I actually get pregnant again.  I didn't trust my feelings during this last pregnancy because everyone said it was bad for the baby to be negative, but I knew what I was feeling.  So I'll trust myself to a certain point.

In other news, I really ned a massage!  I've had this shooting pain in my neck for the last few days.  I usually trade with my friend, but I don't really want to give one.  For once I just want to be a receiver.  And now that I'm not pregnant anymore I can go get one.  So that's at least one positive I guess....

Sad day...

Starting last Monday I had some light spotting.  It lasted the whole week but stayed really light.  Saturday morning it turned into period type bleeding but I had no cramping to go along with it.  I figured I'd just wait and try to get in with my doctor first thing Monday morning.  I had a feeling though that this was it and spent most of the weekend crying and upset about it.  My husband was still really hopeful despite the breakdown I was having that everything would be fine and we'd see the heartbeat at the appt.  So I went in yesterday at 9:45 and she examined me and did a vaginal ultrasound, and there was nothing to be seen.  I knew that she wouldn't, but it was so sad to officially see that it was gone.  I still hadn't had any cramps but we were pretty sure I had already lost the baby.  After the appt I went and had my labs done.  She wants to follow my HCG levels down to 0.  I go back in next Tuesday to make sure y bodies gotten rid of it all and then in 4 to 6 weeks when my period starts we can start trying again.  I started getting cramps after the appt when I got home and they hurt so bad!  I know it was probably so small compared to labor, but it made me seriously consider the pain that having a baby will come with.  It felt like my uterus was getting ripped out of my body.  But it's been better today.  My boss let me have the whole week off so I'm just moping around and watching tv.  I feel oddly numb about it and I'm not sure if it's because I got it out over the weekend, or if it's because I have so much hope that I'll get pregnant again.  I just feel anxious to start again and I hope these next few weeks go by fast.  I never thought this would be me.  Struggling to get pregnant, losing a baby, it's just everything I never thought would happen.  It makes me realize that anything can happen to me.  I don't really feel so invincible anymore...

We had our first OB appt on Thursday morning and we got to see our little baby!  It's still just a little sac so she say's I'm measuring less than 5 weeks.  I go in again in 2 weeks to get a better idea of the due date and hopefully hear the heartbeat!  I'm technically measuring a little over 6 weeks though, so I'm hoping the baby catches up!  As soon as I saw the ultrasound images I just felt so much better.  It made me so much more positive that this is going to take and go full term.  I know we're still super early, but I just have a good feeling.  And I've always just known I would have a boy first, ever since I was little, and as soon as I saw the little dot on the screen I can't help but feel like it's a girl.  I can't wait to find out and start picking stuff out to prepare for him or her.  I'll give my EDD was soon as I know a more official one. : )

I'm about 5 weeks 3 days today and nothing's happening yet!  I'm waiting for the symptoms that'll really make me feel like this is happening.  So far I'm peeing a lot more, I'm having trouble sleeping in the morning and I get really warm at night, I'm pretty tired in the afternoons, and I'm getting some weird almost pimple like bumps around my nipples.  I've never heard of that but when I showed my husband he said he'd read about that happening.  I've only had nausea a few times for just a minute, but I feel starving much faster and can't eat as much at once.  A friend of mine did an u/s today but she said it was still too early to see the baby.  She said my uterus looked nice and big though, definitely like something was happening in there.  I feel like the only for sure thing I have to tell is taking a test every few days.  It's just makes me feel better to see those little lines time after time, so I know I'm not just making it up. : )  My first Dr's appt is this Thursday morning, and then my friend said she's do another u/s next Monday.  She said sometimes just a week can make a huge difference, especially if the baby's a few ays to a week smaller then my actual pregnancy weeks.  So I'll probably measure a week or so smaller than I really am.  But that's okay.  As long as my little guy or girl is in there growing like they're supposed to.   I'll keep posted after my appt Thursday morning.

So today was my 14 DPO and I still hadn't started my period by the time work was done so I came home and tested, and voila, I'm PREGNANT!!!!!  I still can't believe it and I am in a state of shock.  I'm just so used to seeing the little negative sign it really took me by surprise.  I took a regular test from Target and the negative line instantly popped up, along with the control line, so I thought, great, I knew it, it didn't work this time.  I'm kind of obsessive about looking at the test multiple times after to make sure I didn't miss a hidden line anywhere and laid it flat on the top of the garbage.  I went back in about 10 minutes later and looked at it and was super surprised to see the faintest line making it a plus sign.  It was so faint I thought I was either imaging it or someone was playing a mean trick on me.  So I called my husband and told him and he said we'd go out and buy a digital test when he got home from work.  So we buy the test and I had to pee really bad anyways, so I just took it as soon as I got home.  I was afraid I hadn't been holding long enough for it to be concentrated enough to read, but sure enough, 3 minutes later the little Yes + popped up.  I was freaking out because there's no way the misread that!!  So this is it.  And I knew I'd be looking back (just not this soon) and thinking how dramatic I'd been.  According to my last period and clomid cycle, I'm about 4 weeks, due June, but I'm calling the Dr Monday to schedule an appt and get their official  date and get this show on the road.  I'm so excited for this baby to start growing!!!  But I hope it stays in there as long as it feels necessary also.  Ok, I'm falling asleep, but I'll be keeping updated.

Very hopeful, for once!

I have been cautiously excited so far this cycle.  As I've said, I was already upped to 150 mg's, but I didn't really feel anything going on down there.  No cramping, fullness,  twitches, nothing!  And both times before I really felt a lot.  So we went into our ultrasound thinking that there wouldn't be anything to see.  So she stuck the wand up there and moved it around a little bit and I saw a huge black circle.  I thought maybe she was zoomed in or I was just assuming it was an egg and it was really something else.  So I was really excited when she started measuring it and confirmed it was an egg!  And she measured it at 22 mm!!!!  That is by far the biggest egg I've had yet.  None of the other one's actually even got big enough to be considered viable at all.  I hadn't had a positive OPK test yet, so there was even more chance for it to grow.  Plus, there was another egg right next to it that measured about 15 mm's, so the asst said that if I didn't ovulate for another few days that egg would probably grow to be 18 mm's also.  So that's for sure 1 good chance and possibly a second!!  So Thursday and Friday I had pretty dark OPK tests and Saturday morning I woke up to a really high temperature.  I feel so relieved that I ovulated on my own and had a good egg this time!  So we're in our 2 ww again.  m husband and I are really hopeful for this cycle, but part of me still feels like it's not going to work.  I'm trying to be optimistic, but it's just a feeling I have.  Yesterday and today my nipple's have been really sore and I've had a lot of cramping on my right side.  I'm not sure if it'll end up meaning anything for me, but ya never know!  I start in with the progesterone tomorrow for 10 or 1 days and then test.  She said if I get a positive I'll have to start taking 2 every night vaginally for 10 weeks, and it's an expensive prescription.  I'll do whatever she say's but it's a lot of money in medicine.  We've been lucky so far, because my Clomid prescription only costs $10 at costco and the estrogen is on $5.  But the progesterone is $40 for only 16 pills.  So it'll be $40 a week for 10 weeks.  Plus I think they're going to leave me on the metformin for those 10 weeks also.  I always wanted a natural pregnancy, as I know everyone does, so my baby wouldn't start out all drugged up, but I'll do whatever it takes to keep it growing and alive.  So here o another 2 weeks of waiting, something I really suck at...  

So last cycle was a bust.  I went in again a few days after my scan for another one to see if the egg had grown and it had actually gotten smaller!  My Dr. thinks I might have ovulated early and that the eggs we were seeing were what was left over.  So I'm starting to temp and test early this cycle.  Starting around day 9, which is actually today.  I should probably run out and grab some tests!  I didn't like last cycle at all.  It felt just out of control or something.  My first one was so by the book I assumed this last one would be too.  But no.  So Im in my third cycle, took the last of the Clomid last night, which the Dr. upped again this time to 150 mg's, and I'm just waiting to see what happens.  We're definitely going to be BDing starting tonight in case I do ovulate early, but I'm also really going to stay more on top of my temps and everything.  It drove me crazy not knowing for sure if ovulated or not.  

A couple of the blogs I read, the girls are all pregnant.  I started reading from when they first started trying and felt excited when they got pregnant because it meant hope for me!  But I wasn't reading about what was happening to them in real time.  It had already happened.  But now most of them, and some others for the first time, are pregnant again and I can't help but feel annoyed.  There's something different about it since it's actually happening while I'm reading about it.  It just makes me feel like, when is it going to be my time?  Chances are I'll look back at this in a few months if I get pregnant and wonder why I was being so dramatic and emotional about everything, but in the now is really hard!  I can't look into the future and know that it's going to for sure happen, but I am really gonna enjoy, God-willing, looking back at all of this.  

My next appointment is Wednesday afternoon and we'll check my eggs again.  I really hope I get a good ovulation this cycle.  I felt so discouraged after the last time.  And I only have 3 more tries left before we have to stop moving forward.  I think we're going to wait a year or so until we can afford further testing and treatments we might need to do.  It makes me nervous because the last thing I want is to wait and get older and risk smaller chances, but we might just have to.  And if our time isn't now and babies are in our future, I know God will make it happen somehow.  I hate waiting.....

Attempt #2

So I got my period, called my doctor and am now halfway though my 2nd clomid cycle.  I went in yesterday afternoon, which was my CD12, to see if I had any eggs and I did have several, but they were all pretty small.  I had one good one on my right ovary that was 14.5 mm, but it was still smaller than they wanted so I'm going in again tomorrow morning to see if it has grown any.  All day I was talking to it and telling it to GROW!  But if it doesn't want to and this is not our month, that's ok too.  I feel like I've been slightly worse this cycle emotionally, but they did up me to 100 mg's for this one so I kind of expected it.  It's actually been pretty good considering I took more.  I'm ready though to see the 2 lines on the pregnancy test.  I've been taking OPK tests every morning and they're pretty light, and actually much much lighter than they were at this point last cycle.  So I'm not sure if I'm just ovulating later, or if I just won't this time.  But I keep feeling twinges on that right side and everytime I hope and hope that it's my little egg trying to get big enough to work.  I'll now tomorrow morning though if there's any hope for this cycle.  Wish me luck!!

12 dpo

The depression has set in.  Every morning for the last few days I have been so depressed.  I hate it!  I don't know if it's the hormones or what, but it's driving me crazy.  It feels so out of body.  I just sit and watch myself look so sad and tired and worn out and I can't do anything about it.  Everything just feels so negative all the time when I'm in those moods.  Hopefully ti is the hormones cause I'd hate for it to just be me.  I've gone in and out of mild depression my whole life, but this feels like it's happening more and stronger.  It usually fades by lunch time and I come out of my little shell and talk to the world.  I always feel better after I start talking to someone.

My cycle is quickly coming to an end...  and I'm starting to feel really nervous.  I wasn't really feeling anything note worthy for a few days, and then starting yesterday I had some cramping again.  Could be period cramping, but it feels different.  A little more sharp, and sometimes my stomach even feels sore.  Plus, TMI, but I've been really gassy with diarrhea almost everyday.  I don't know if anyone else ever has that, but it's not really normal for me usually.  And I haven't been eating differently or anything so I don't think there's anything abnormal causing it.  2 more days of my progesterone pills and then I can test.  I haven't tested yet, and I don't think I even want to.  I feel like it would be so much less disappointing to see my period than a BFN.  But we'll see how I feel come Saturday if I haven't started yet.  I responded really well to the progesterone last time to start my period after 10 days of it, so I figure if I'm not pregnant it'll make me start by Friday or Saturday.  I think I'm gonna just keep watching my temps too.  They've been really high since I ovulated and if they're still high in 6 days I'll test, even if I feel like I'm having a period.  I've lost track of where I am in the cycle though.  Before I wrote the title I had to count back and really think about it.  So it's been going by quicker.

I've really been praying for peace lately and that if our time to have a baby is not for awhile, that God would lessen that desire in me.  And I almost feel sad about it, but I have felt that desire lessened.  So maybe it's not our time and maybe it is, but I've felt a little less urgent about it all lately.  I still want to be a mom with everything that I am, but I think I can wait if I need to.  We'll keep going with the clomid for the full 6 cycles, but if it doesn't happen I'm ready to just wait until it happens on it's own.  But if I did get pregnant in these 6 cycles of course I would be ecstatic!!!!!  I'd be more happy than anything.  And I'm still hoping it will work, but I'm also prepared more now to wait if I need to...

5 DPO

So here I am, in the middle of my wait, and it's taking FOREVER!!  The last few days I've been having a lot of cramping and general bloating.  It's not usual for me so far before my period, so I'm hoping it's a little baby making a cozy place to live inside me.  If it's not, I wish it would just go away!  I hate cramping.  But it's all in the name of baby love.  I keep trying not to lift things that are heavy or bend at the waist for anything, but when I do I definitely feel tugging and more cramping.  I've been on the progesterone since Sunday night and I think it almost makes me more emotional than the clomid or estrogen.  I've been crying at shows, commercials, movies and all kinds of other totally not normally sad things.  I was even watching a show about making cakes and someone got engaged and I was practically sobbing.  Could be some early pregnancy hormones, but most likely it's just me being a baby.  :)  9 more days and I can test!!  All of my fingers and toes are crossed and I'm praying like crazy!

2ww...

I can't believe I'm in a 2ww!!!!!  It's the first one I've ever been in that I actually knew for sure was a legit wait.  On Monday I had a Dr's appointment to see if I had any egg's growing, which was CD 12, and they found one egg on my left ovary that measured in at just under 16 mm.  The NP wanted to see if it grew any bigger for dosage reasons in the next cycle in case it didn't work this time, so I went in again Thursday to check it again, which was CD 15.  The Dr. had a hard time seeing what the assistant had seen on Monday so he brought her in the see if she could find it again.  She looked and couldn't find it either.  I was starting to lose hope that she had seen it right on Monday, but they found the follicle.  It was a lot smaller and more oval shaped then before, but the Dr said that meant that I had ovulated it, and probably just recently because he could see fluid leaking out of the follicle still.  So that means I ovulated for sure on my own!!!!  We went home and BD one last time after the appointment (plus, what husband wouldn't want a midday quickie : ) ), but I'm pretty sure it didn't really make it.  So now I'm just waiting.  I start progesterone on Sunday night and I take it until I either start my period or get a BFP.  So in 2 weeks I test and know if I need to start over or get really excited!  My first 2ww!  I actually like this part more so far compared to  waiting to see if anything happened from the Clomid.  I feel like ovulation and the egg alone were success, and I'm hoping if I have to do multiple cycles of this my body responds to the low dose the same way.  It's so weird to think that in 2 weeks I could find out that my life might be changing forever.  But I'm so excited and I need the change!!  Come on life, bring it on!~

Clomid #1

So I'm done with my first round of Clomid!  And it makes me feel so productive.  :)  Today was CD 12 and I we went in for or u/s.  I have one egg on my right ovary that measures in at 16 mm.  I'm going back in Thursday afternoon to see if it has gotten any bigger so that if I don't get pregnant this cycle they'll know if thy need to increase my dosage for next time.  I'm feeling very hopeful and excited!  There is success alone in the fact that my body actually grew an egg!!!  Even if I don't get pregnant it's success for me.  Strange how small things can seem like such big steps forward.  No bad side effects as of yet.  Brian says he's noticed that my high's and low's are a little more noticeable, but other than that I feel normal.  I'm hoping 50 mg's is enough because I sense that my mood would drastically worsen on a stronger dosage.  I'm crossing my fingers!  BUt so far so good.  Still hopeful, which for me is the important thing.  I'm a little nervous about the next appointment though.  We've been seeing the assistant and she's not available on Thursday, so we have to see the main Dr.  But he's a man.  And I know I'll get over it, but there's hasn't been a man down there other than my husband, like, ever!  So it'll be a new experience for me.  And I hope he's nice.  Wish me luck with my little egg!

I'm officially on the infertility treatment plan.  After I saw my doctor before my HSG, she said to call her when I started my period so that they could do an U/S to see if I have any cysts and start on Clomid.  Of course this cycle chooses to go extra long with multiple negative tests, so I finally called and asked for a referral for blood work and permission to start on progesterone if it ended up being negative also.  Thy said fine, the test was negative and I started my Prometrium.  After only 2 days my period finally decides to show so I scheduled an appointment for today to to do my tests.  Everything checked out clear so she wrote me up for 50 mgs of Clomid to start tomorrow.  I go in again the 26th for my follie scan and then see how it's going.  I'm hoping this can just hurry up and be it, but I know it could take all the way up to the full 6 cycles and then not even then possibly.  Which would suck!!  But it'll all be worth it in the end.

It feels good to be doing something.  That alone makes me feel more hopeful in general.  Just that we'll even have a chance is exciting to me!  And I think this would be such an ideal time to get pregnant.  Summers halfway over and I'd be my biggest in the spring when the weathers still nice.  But a baby who wants to come at any time would be welcomed!

I met with my aunt this morning to talk about everything I'm going through lately.  She made me feel like I have something seriously wrong with me.  She was going on and on about how our family has been so lucky and no one's ever been really injured or sick in anyway and that this is the first time in our family someone's had a physical problem that they've been diagnosed with.  Everyone has had kids so easy with little trying and she figured we all just be as fertile as they come and was very surprised.  She started talking to me about getting egg donors and adoption and have we decided what we're going to do?  I told her, yes, there are a lot of options for us, but we haven't even really gotten into the infertility arena because I've never even been on Clomid, so we have lots of time to make further decisions if nothing happens in the next year.  She just seemed very curious about it all.  I think her daughter-in-law is going through some of this behind her back and so she wanted to talk to someone who would tell her whatever she wanted to know.  I'm not private by any means so I answered every question she had and entertained all of her ideas with her.  She doesn't really know how to talk to someone with infertility so I was a good sounding board for her.  I liked talking about it with someone who was actually interested in it.  Everyone else is bored with it at this point, so I don't talk about things a whole lot.

I'm excited to go in for my acupuncture session on Monday afternoon.  I'm not sure if it will work because I was really really almost on my death bed sick, and my temps have been all over the place since then so I'm not sure if I ovulated, or if the high temps are lingering from being sick, or if being sick in general messed up the cycle and is making me ovulate later than usual.  Not that I really ovulate, but my body acts like it does.  So all that to say is that I'm not sure the acupuncture will be that effective because they like you to do it the day before you ovulate and I have lost track of that this cycle.  :)  But I'm so close to getting on the Clomid!!!  All I have to do is hurry up and start a new cycle and they'll do the U/S to check for cysts and than I'll be on it!  I'm crossing my fingers for no cysts...

I was talking to another aunt a few weeks ago who tried for a few years for her first baby and was put on Clomid.  All they gave her was 25 mg for 5 days and she got pregnant the first cycle!  She needed it for her 2nd baby also but it was exactly the same as the first time.  And she got pregnant on her own with her 3rd.  She never thought she'd have one baby, let alone 3 beautiful girls!  So hopefully that'll be me~~~~!   Twins would be fine too, so I don't mind the risk there.  It freaks my husband out a little though.  Especially for our first and just where we are in our lives.  Supporting one baby financially is much easier than two.

Alright, enough from me.  Updates to come.

Making Progress

I saw my Dr. today for a consult to get on Clomid and it went really well.  She ordered an HSG for me and I scheduled it for this coming Monday.  I work at the facility that does them so I worked it around so that I could get in even though I'll technically be 13 days past my period start and not 10.  Plus me and my husband had a little fun this week, which is not allowed, so I lied and said we didn't.  But I'll still take a pregnancy test Sunday night to be sure.  Plus she upped my Metformin from twice a day to three times a day and around CD 24 I'll be doing an accupuncture session that helps for infertility.  It stimulates ovulation or so they say.  My friend at work that got pregnant is pretty sure that's what did it for her.  or at least helped her along.  I'm a massage therapist so I really believe in all of that.  So I'm feeling really hopeful for this cycle.  I'm hoping that my tubes being opened from the HSG and the accupuncture will result in ovulation and a smooth transport.  It's like the perfect storm for conception.  If it doesn't happen, I'm supposed to call on CD 1 of my next cycle to schedule an ultrasound and start my Clomid.   I really really hope that all of this works.  I have people praying for me like crazy and lot's of support, so I feel really blessed.  My goal is to at least ovulate once!!  That's all I need and with some good timing I just might get pregnant.  :)  It's been a while since I've been hopeful so I feel like that alone is really big for me. Here's to hoping!!

Guess who's pregnant?!

Oh yeah, and it's definitely not me!  There's a new girl at work that I've connected with.  She's been TTC for about 18 active months and just found out she's pregnant this weekend!  I'm really excited for her.  And I really mean really.  :)  Plus it gives me a lot of hope. She has PCOS also, and actually a more severe version of it then me, so if she can get pregnant so can I!

My Dr. put me on Metformin last month and I've gone through a full 40 day cycle on it.  My period came on it's own which was very exciting and I'm feeling hopeful.  I have a consult to get on Clomid this Friday.  I want to go through one more natural cycle just on the Metformin and then try the Clomid, so we're going to work out the timing for whatever last testing they need so I can *hopefully* start next cycle.  I want to make sure that even though the chances are slow I'm not pregnant before we start.

I have high hopes that we get pregnant soon because my OB-Gyn will only do 3 or 4 cycles of the Clomid before they refer me to a fertility specialist and we can't afford what the next step entails.  So it would be just good ole' regular trying after this for at least a year until my husband is teaching full time and we have more baby making funds available.

Wish me luck!!!!!

More info for now

I've been diagnosed, and it's looking like PCOS.  I almost feel relieved just to know something at all.  My testosterone levels were elevated so that's what my doctor thinks it is.  And it makes sense when I look back.  I definitely started gaining weight for no apparent reason about 6 months after I got off the pill, which is about when my hormones would have been doing their own thing, and my cycles became crazy.  So I'm on the journey of finding out more about this and what it'll mean for us.  I started my period about 3 days after I was done with the progesterone and it was the heaviest and longest period I've had in a long time.  And I've started temping.  My temps are lower then the charts go so I'm not sure if I'm doing something wrong or what that means for me.  But hopefully it'll tell me if I'm ovulating.  I have an appointment  for a follow up scheduled with the Dr. for May, so depending on how this cycle turns out, I think we're going to get this show on the road and officially get proactive about it.  Brian talked to his dad today and let him know what's going on and that we have some decisions to make coming up.  I was so nervous to talk to his parents about it because they weren't the most supportive of us getting married since we were young, so I figured they'd think we were too young for this also, but he really surprised us.  I wasn't there, but from what my husband tells me he was very curious about PCOS and what it meant for our ability to have kids.  He said if it was him he wouldn't waste any time and that they'd help us pay for some of the medical sides of it if that's what's stopping us.  I have health insurance, but I'm still new to the infertility world and I have no idea what it covers.  So that was really awesome.  I feel like we're at least on a road to somewhere, regardless of where it leads.  So pray for us!!!  And cross your fingers that I can lose about 10 pounds in the next little while.....   : (

Making Progress

So I had my first ever Dr's appointment last Wednesday.  She was really awesome and seemed to really want to help us.  She let me know that she didn't really deal with infertility, but she could help me get into the process.  For now, I'm being tested.  She went through the spheal about what could be wrong and what might be stopping my period from coming and everything.   I had some blood work done on Thursday to test some of my hormone levels and see if the problem lies in any of those.  I hope so, because I think it would be the easiest fix.  And she prescribed me progesterone to get my next period started.  I'm on day 3 of taking 10 pills.  So hopefully I'll get even a spot of blood.  She said that would be enough to consider a period.  And then I can start temping and try to figure out if I'm even ovulating at all.  I hope I am!  The Dr. started throwing around things like PCOS, and hypo or hyperthyroidism, which freaked me out!  I mean, I know what they are and that they are possibilities, but it made me nervous to realize that I was that girl, sitting across from the Dr., trying to get pregnant.  I had always imagined, as I'm sure every women does, that it would just happen.  And now I'm seeing a Dr, and being prescribed medicine, and getting blood work.  And I just never imagined myself here.  Trying.  It's scary.  We're coming up on 10 months of trying, but who knows how much of that was actually doing anything.  I just wish my cycles were at least normal so I could know that I'd have a next try.  It's one thing to ovulate and try and not get pregnant, but it really sucks when there is no guaranteed next time in any sort of close time frame.  Brian and I looked around in a baby store today and he was the most interested that I've ever seen him!  It's hard for him to get excited about things that aren't in the works yet, but I think he's letting himself get there.  He picked things that he liked and wanted to know what I thought about certain things.  But it made me really depressed to see all the pregnant moms and new mom walking around picking out all of their stuff.  I just want my turn...

I hate these days...

So....

Last night right before bed I found out that someone I know is pregnant.  She's a month older than me and already has a daughter who is about 18 months.  And here's what really upset me about it...  she just took her IUD out last month.  And she's pregnant!  How can she be pregnant already?  I, who have been off birth control for almost a year, have not even come close to getting pregnant.  And she just slips on into the Dr's office and has it removed, and tada!  Pregnant!  Why can't it be that easy for everyone?  She said her first daughter was the same.  They decided to start trying and 2 weeks later she found out she was pregnant.  And it was the first time I really shed tears over someone else's pregnancy.  That was definitely new for me.  Brian just laid with me in bed until I fell asleep.  I think it kind of freaked him out, but maybe he'll start to see just how strongly I feel about it all.  I remember when we were in high school and we thought all we would have to do was move past 2nd base and we'd get pregnant.  It just seemed inevitable that you have sex ONE time without protection you'd be knocked up.  And then we actually started trying and I realized we probably could've not used anything ever and we still would most likely not have a baby.  It's HARD!  And so frustrating when you know you're doing everything you can and still nothing happens.  And to be honest, it's all I think about when were are together.  If I position myself like this, will they have a better shot of getting in there?  And God forbid it ever be spontaneous and I'm not able to just lay there afterwards for the best possible chance!  My mind goes into overload and I start thinking every little thing will make the difference.  That's one reason I want to temp.  So I can know if it's going to matter anyways.  I want to be able to go back to when sex was just that.  Not the means to an end.  It's too stressful.  And I'm tired of everyone around me getting pregnant, and so easily! So now it's my turn.  It has to be.   

It's been awhile...

So, I'm gonna try this again.  I'm never very good at keeping up with journals or diaries, and I thought blogging would be so much easier, but it turns out not for me!  I was going over my older blogs, and though I didn't get very far, I had already forgotten some of the things that have happened in these last 7 months.  In my head, we'd been TTC for only a few months, but my first post was in June!  That's 7 months!  And probably about 5 total cycles.  I'm wanting to get more serious about everything now and so I need to really keep up worth this.  Even just for myself to remember later.  I was doing my OPK's at first and I thought that was good enough, but I've learned that it's not actually all that accurate.  My aunt got me Taking Charge of Your Fertility for my birthday, and I'm really loving it.  I'm excited to get started!  So let me start from where I left off.  In October I had this weird 7-8 day spotting a week before my period was supposed to start and I thought it might have been implantation bleeding.  I really had myself convinced that I was pregnant.  So the spotting came and went, I took a test every week for 3 weeks after that, and nothing.  I think I wouldn't have been so upset about it, except I really felt like I was.  Something was happening that had me convinced mentally and physically.  Plus, I've been late, and later, but NEVER early.  And I've never spotted before.  So it was all a little different.  It was a BFN and AF finally came, only this time it was a week later than I usually start.  But it was the same spotting again.  Weird.  I have no idea what's going on with me.  At all.  And that had me freaked out if I could even get pregnant at all.  So now I'm just waiting for it to all start again so I can temp this time and try to figure out what's up.  And I'm definitely ready.  I have a Dr's appt at the end of February, just to get a check up.  I don't plan on mentioning that were trying, but maybe that we're thinking about starting.  I'm not ready to get lumped into the infertility world just yet and I'm worried if she knows it's coming up on 8 months she'll do something different.  I just really want to go and have her tell me I'm healthy and it should be no problem for us to get pregnant. I haven't ben trying long or hard enough to try something else yet..  I'm kind of worried about the temping though.  I'm not really a morning person and sleep is just about more important than anything in the morning.  Even temping.  I can find a way to justify almost everything in the morning. And I might not be that consistent...  So I'm worried it won't work how it's supposed to.  And what if I can't tell the difference between the different stages of CM?  Getting pregnant could take me awhile unless I get lucky.  Which I've never really had much of.  It's all more than I can claim to know or understand.  All I know is I want and need my baby to come along.  I dont know how strong I am and how long I can wait.