Sad day...

Starting last Monday I had some light spotting.  It lasted the whole week but stayed really light.  Saturday morning it turned into period type bleeding but I had no cramping to go along with it.  I figured I'd just wait and try to get in with my doctor first thing Monday morning.  I had a feeling though that this was it and spent most of the weekend crying and upset about it.  My husband was still really hopeful despite the breakdown I was having that everything would be fine and we'd see the heartbeat at the appt.  So I went in yesterday at 9:45 and she examined me and did a vaginal ultrasound, and there was nothing to be seen.  I knew that she wouldn't, but it was so sad to officially see that it was gone.  I still hadn't had any cramps but we were pretty sure I had already lost the baby.  After the appt I went and had my labs done.  She wants to follow my HCG levels down to 0.  I go back in next Tuesday to make sure y bodies gotten rid of it all and then in 4 to 6 weeks when my period starts we can start trying again.  I started getting cramps after the appt when I got home and they hurt so bad!  I know it was probably so small compared to labor, but it made me seriously consider the pain that having a baby will come with.  It felt like my uterus was getting ripped out of my body.  But it's been better today.  My boss let me have the whole week off so I'm just moping around and watching tv.  I feel oddly numb about it and I'm not sure if it's because I got it out over the weekend, or if it's because I have so much hope that I'll get pregnant again.  I just feel anxious to start again and I hope these next few weeks go by fast.  I never thought this would be me.  Struggling to get pregnant, losing a baby, it's just everything I never thought would happen.  It makes me realize that anything can happen to me.  I don't really feel so invincible anymore...