Very hopeful, for once!

I have been cautiously excited so far this cycle.  As I've said, I was already upped to 150 mg's, but I didn't really feel anything going on down there.  No cramping, fullness,  twitches, nothing!  And both times before I really felt a lot.  So we went into our ultrasound thinking that there wouldn't be anything to see.  So she stuck the wand up there and moved it around a little bit and I saw a huge black circle.  I thought maybe she was zoomed in or I was just assuming it was an egg and it was really something else.  So I was really excited when she started measuring it and confirmed it was an egg!  And she measured it at 22 mm!!!!  That is by far the biggest egg I've had yet.  None of the other one's actually even got big enough to be considered viable at all.  I hadn't had a positive OPK test yet, so there was even more chance for it to grow.  Plus, there was another egg right next to it that measured about 15 mm's, so the asst said that if I didn't ovulate for another few days that egg would probably grow to be 18 mm's also.  So that's for sure 1 good chance and possibly a second!!  So Thursday and Friday I had pretty dark OPK tests and Saturday morning I woke up to a really high temperature.  I feel so relieved that I ovulated on my own and had a good egg this time!  So we're in our 2 ww again.  m husband and I are really hopeful for this cycle, but part of me still feels like it's not going to work.  I'm trying to be optimistic, but it's just a feeling I have.  Yesterday and today my nipple's have been really sore and I've had a lot of cramping on my right side.  I'm not sure if it'll end up meaning anything for me, but ya never know!  I start in with the progesterone tomorrow for 10 or 1 days and then test.  She said if I get a positive I'll have to start taking 2 every night vaginally for 10 weeks, and it's an expensive prescription.  I'll do whatever she say's but it's a lot of money in medicine.  We've been lucky so far, because my Clomid prescription only costs $10 at costco and the estrogen is on $5.  But the progesterone is $40 for only 16 pills.  So it'll be $40 a week for 10 weeks.  Plus I think they're going to leave me on the metformin for those 10 weeks also.  I always wanted a natural pregnancy, as I know everyone does, so my baby wouldn't start out all drugged up, but I'll do whatever it takes to keep it growing and alive.  So here o another 2 weeks of waiting, something I really suck at...  

So last cycle was a bust.  I went in again a few days after my scan for another one to see if the egg had grown and it had actually gotten smaller!  My Dr. thinks I might have ovulated early and that the eggs we were seeing were what was left over.  So I'm starting to temp and test early this cycle.  Starting around day 9, which is actually today.  I should probably run out and grab some tests!  I didn't like last cycle at all.  It felt just out of control or something.  My first one was so by the book I assumed this last one would be too.  But no.  So Im in my third cycle, took the last of the Clomid last night, which the Dr. upped again this time to 150 mg's, and I'm just waiting to see what happens.  We're definitely going to be BDing starting tonight in case I do ovulate early, but I'm also really going to stay more on top of my temps and everything.  It drove me crazy not knowing for sure if ovulated or not.  

A couple of the blogs I read, the girls are all pregnant.  I started reading from when they first started trying and felt excited when they got pregnant because it meant hope for me!  But I wasn't reading about what was happening to them in real time.  It had already happened.  But now most of them, and some others for the first time, are pregnant again and I can't help but feel annoyed.  There's something different about it since it's actually happening while I'm reading about it.  It just makes me feel like, when is it going to be my time?  Chances are I'll look back at this in a few months if I get pregnant and wonder why I was being so dramatic and emotional about everything, but in the now is really hard!  I can't look into the future and know that it's going to for sure happen, but I am really gonna enjoy, God-willing, looking back at all of this.  

My next appointment is Wednesday afternoon and we'll check my eggs again.  I really hope I get a good ovulation this cycle.  I felt so discouraged after the last time.  And I only have 3 more tries left before we have to stop moving forward.  I think we're going to wait a year or so until we can afford further testing and treatments we might need to do.  It makes me nervous because the last thing I want is to wait and get older and risk smaller chances, but we might just have to.  And if our time isn't now and babies are in our future, I know God will make it happen somehow.  I hate waiting.....