Feeling better

It's the end of my week off and I'm feeling ready to go back to work.  I like not working, but I'm tired of just sitting at home and not going anywhere.  It'll be nice to finally get out.  I'm feeling better about everything.  The bleeding has just about stopped, but I still have a lot of cramping whenever I use the bathroom.  And if my bladder is full and I have to hold it for any length of time it presses up against my uterus and it just hurts.  My mom says it's probably just more sensitive to everything right now because of the pregnancy.  It makes me wonder if all women who get pregnant and have babies can feel their uterus at any time for the rest of their lives.  Mine is very present.  I go in for my final lab work tomorrow and then see my Dr. Tuesday.  I asked at the last appt how long I would have to wait for my period to come before I take medicine to help it along and she said 6 weeks.  I don't have the best track record with periods coming when they should, so I'm predicting that I'll need the progesterone to get it going.  I have tons left over from when I took them while I was pregnant, so I might as well use them at some point.  I'm nervous and excited and scared and anxious to start trying again.  A big part of me fears that if I get pregnant I'll just miscarry again, and the other part of me doesn't want to believe it could happen to me twice in a row.  I'll just have to see how I feel when and if I actually get pregnant again.  I didn't trust my feelings during this last pregnancy because everyone said it was bad for the baby to be negative, but I knew what I was feeling.  So I'll trust myself to a certain point.

In other news, I really ned a massage!  I've had this shooting pain in my neck for the last few days.  I usually trade with my friend, but I don't really want to give one.  For once I just want to be a receiver.  And now that I'm not pregnant anymore I can go get one.  So that's at least one positive I guess....

Sad day...

Starting last Monday I had some light spotting.  It lasted the whole week but stayed really light.  Saturday morning it turned into period type bleeding but I had no cramping to go along with it.  I figured I'd just wait and try to get in with my doctor first thing Monday morning.  I had a feeling though that this was it and spent most of the weekend crying and upset about it.  My husband was still really hopeful despite the breakdown I was having that everything would be fine and we'd see the heartbeat at the appt.  So I went in yesterday at 9:45 and she examined me and did a vaginal ultrasound, and there was nothing to be seen.  I knew that she wouldn't, but it was so sad to officially see that it was gone.  I still hadn't had any cramps but we were pretty sure I had already lost the baby.  After the appt I went and had my labs done.  She wants to follow my HCG levels down to 0.  I go back in next Tuesday to make sure y bodies gotten rid of it all and then in 4 to 6 weeks when my period starts we can start trying again.  I started getting cramps after the appt when I got home and they hurt so bad!  I know it was probably so small compared to labor, but it made me seriously consider the pain that having a baby will come with.  It felt like my uterus was getting ripped out of my body.  But it's been better today.  My boss let me have the whole week off so I'm just moping around and watching tv.  I feel oddly numb about it and I'm not sure if it's because I got it out over the weekend, or if it's because I have so much hope that I'll get pregnant again.  I just feel anxious to start again and I hope these next few weeks go by fast.  I never thought this would be me.  Struggling to get pregnant, losing a baby, it's just everything I never thought would happen.  It makes me realize that anything can happen to me.  I don't really feel so invincible anymore...