12 dpo

The depression has set in.  Every morning for the last few days I have been so depressed.  I hate it!  I don't know if it's the hormones or what, but it's driving me crazy.  It feels so out of body.  I just sit and watch myself look so sad and tired and worn out and I can't do anything about it.  Everything just feels so negative all the time when I'm in those moods.  Hopefully ti is the hormones cause I'd hate for it to just be me.  I've gone in and out of mild depression my whole life, but this feels like it's happening more and stronger.  It usually fades by lunch time and I come out of my little shell and talk to the world.  I always feel better after I start talking to someone.

My cycle is quickly coming to an end...  and I'm starting to feel really nervous.  I wasn't really feeling anything note worthy for a few days, and then starting yesterday I had some cramping again.  Could be period cramping, but it feels different.  A little more sharp, and sometimes my stomach even feels sore.  Plus, TMI, but I've been really gassy with diarrhea almost everyday.  I don't know if anyone else ever has that, but it's not really normal for me usually.  And I haven't been eating differently or anything so I don't think there's anything abnormal causing it.  2 more days of my progesterone pills and then I can test.  I haven't tested yet, and I don't think I even want to.  I feel like it would be so much less disappointing to see my period than a BFN.  But we'll see how I feel come Saturday if I haven't started yet.  I responded really well to the progesterone last time to start my period after 10 days of it, so I figure if I'm not pregnant it'll make me start by Friday or Saturday.  I think I'm gonna just keep watching my temps too.  They've been really high since I ovulated and if they're still high in 6 days I'll test, even if I feel like I'm having a period.  I've lost track of where I am in the cycle though.  Before I wrote the title I had to count back and really think about it.  So it's been going by quicker.

I've really been praying for peace lately and that if our time to have a baby is not for awhile, that God would lessen that desire in me.  And I almost feel sad about it, but I have felt that desire lessened.  So maybe it's not our time and maybe it is, but I've felt a little less urgent about it all lately.  I still want to be a mom with everything that I am, but I think I can wait if I need to.  We'll keep going with the clomid for the full 6 cycles, but if it doesn't happen I'm ready to just wait until it happens on it's own.  But if I did get pregnant in these 6 cycles of course I would be ecstatic!!!!!  I'd be more happy than anything.  And I'm still hoping it will work, but I'm also prepared more now to wait if I need to...