I'm back.  It has been a long and very much needed break, but I'm finally ready to keep going on this crazy ride.  Last month we decided to go ahead and try again, so I went to the Dr on my day 3 and of all things there was a cyst!  So she said to give it another month and come back.  So we went back this last Friday and everything looked great.  I started Friday night and I'm on day 4 of the Clomid and day 7 of my cycle.  So far, I can't really remember if it's like last time yet or not, but I figure once i get on the estrogen the emotions will come flooding.  The 150 mg dose worked for us last time so the Dr said she would start us there again, even though it had been so long since I'd been on anything.  I'm really hopeful, but I'm also thinking that since it's just the first cycle, even at the high dose again, my body might take a time or two to get up to speed.  But we'll see.  It's still really weird to be getting into this stuff again.

Our due date was in June and I actually had a harder time with it than i thought I would.  Plus I had to go t a wedding that day and watch people be happy and hopeful for the future and something inside me just snapped.  But my husband is amazing and he went into the bathroom with me and just let me cry and cry.  I can't imagine coming to that time next year and still not even being pregnant yet.

My follow up appt to see if any follicles grew is next Monday.  Cross your fingers!

It's been awhile since my last post.  To be honest, it's been really nice not thinking all things TTC related for awhile.  I'm pretty sure I ovulated on my own about 2 weeks after my m/c and started my period right on time 2 weeks after that.  So I'm almost 2 weeks in again and waiting to see if I get those O feelings.  When my next period starts we're supposed to call the Dr and start our next round of Clomid.  I'm nervous and anxious and excited and scared and a million other feelings.  We were undecided for awhile if we wanted to start trying again right away or if we wanted to wait awhile, but as it's getting closer we're both feeling like trying sooner than later will just be better for us.  A couple of girls have just newly gotten pregnant at work and all of their baby and pregnancy talk is driving me crazy!  But it'll be me one day, and I'm trying to be positive and hopeful.  In the meantime  I adopted 2 new little baby kittens who needed a home.  They are so cute!!  They are sisters and all black with tiny bits of white on their chests.  My older dog and cat have taken some time getting used to them, but I think it;s really working out.  My husband about had a cow, but I think in light of everything that's happened he understands my need for little babies in the house.  As I type they're curled up on my stomach and getting very much in the way.  So that's all that's new in my world.  We've decided not to tell anyone that we;re trying again or when or where we are in our cycles or anything.  I want this next process to just be me and him until I've been pregnant for over 14 weeks, so it may be awhile.  I'm hoping all of our trying last time gave us the right combination for success this time.  OK, it's late and I really need to sleep!

Feeling better

It's the end of my week off and I'm feeling ready to go back to work.  I like not working, but I'm tired of just sitting at home and not going anywhere.  It'll be nice to finally get out.  I'm feeling better about everything.  The bleeding has just about stopped, but I still have a lot of cramping whenever I use the bathroom.  And if my bladder is full and I have to hold it for any length of time it presses up against my uterus and it just hurts.  My mom says it's probably just more sensitive to everything right now because of the pregnancy.  It makes me wonder if all women who get pregnant and have babies can feel their uterus at any time for the rest of their lives.  Mine is very present.  I go in for my final lab work tomorrow and then see my Dr. Tuesday.  I asked at the last appt how long I would have to wait for my period to come before I take medicine to help it along and she said 6 weeks.  I don't have the best track record with periods coming when they should, so I'm predicting that I'll need the progesterone to get it going.  I have tons left over from when I took them while I was pregnant, so I might as well use them at some point.  I'm nervous and excited and scared and anxious to start trying again.  A big part of me fears that if I get pregnant I'll just miscarry again, and the other part of me doesn't want to believe it could happen to me twice in a row.  I'll just have to see how I feel when and if I actually get pregnant again.  I didn't trust my feelings during this last pregnancy because everyone said it was bad for the baby to be negative, but I knew what I was feeling.  So I'll trust myself to a certain point.

In other news, I really ned a massage!  I've had this shooting pain in my neck for the last few days.  I usually trade with my friend, but I don't really want to give one.  For once I just want to be a receiver.  And now that I'm not pregnant anymore I can go get one.  So that's at least one positive I guess....

Sad day...

Starting last Monday I had some light spotting.  It lasted the whole week but stayed really light.  Saturday morning it turned into period type bleeding but I had no cramping to go along with it.  I figured I'd just wait and try to get in with my doctor first thing Monday morning.  I had a feeling though that this was it and spent most of the weekend crying and upset about it.  My husband was still really hopeful despite the breakdown I was having that everything would be fine and we'd see the heartbeat at the appt.  So I went in yesterday at 9:45 and she examined me and did a vaginal ultrasound, and there was nothing to be seen.  I knew that she wouldn't, but it was so sad to officially see that it was gone.  I still hadn't had any cramps but we were pretty sure I had already lost the baby.  After the appt I went and had my labs done.  She wants to follow my HCG levels down to 0.  I go back in next Tuesday to make sure y bodies gotten rid of it all and then in 4 to 6 weeks when my period starts we can start trying again.  I started getting cramps after the appt when I got home and they hurt so bad!  I know it was probably so small compared to labor, but it made me seriously consider the pain that having a baby will come with.  It felt like my uterus was getting ripped out of my body.  But it's been better today.  My boss let me have the whole week off so I'm just moping around and watching tv.  I feel oddly numb about it and I'm not sure if it's because I got it out over the weekend, or if it's because I have so much hope that I'll get pregnant again.  I just feel anxious to start again and I hope these next few weeks go by fast.  I never thought this would be me.  Struggling to get pregnant, losing a baby, it's just everything I never thought would happen.  It makes me realize that anything can happen to me.  I don't really feel so invincible anymore...

We had our first OB appt on Thursday morning and we got to see our little baby!  It's still just a little sac so she say's I'm measuring less than 5 weeks.  I go in again in 2 weeks to get a better idea of the due date and hopefully hear the heartbeat!  I'm technically measuring a little over 6 weeks though, so I'm hoping the baby catches up!  As soon as I saw the ultrasound images I just felt so much better.  It made me so much more positive that this is going to take and go full term.  I know we're still super early, but I just have a good feeling.  And I've always just known I would have a boy first, ever since I was little, and as soon as I saw the little dot on the screen I can't help but feel like it's a girl.  I can't wait to find out and start picking stuff out to prepare for him or her.  I'll give my EDD was soon as I know a more official one. : )

I'm about 5 weeks 3 days today and nothing's happening yet!  I'm waiting for the symptoms that'll really make me feel like this is happening.  So far I'm peeing a lot more, I'm having trouble sleeping in the morning and I get really warm at night, I'm pretty tired in the afternoons, and I'm getting some weird almost pimple like bumps around my nipples.  I've never heard of that but when I showed my husband he said he'd read about that happening.  I've only had nausea a few times for just a minute, but I feel starving much faster and can't eat as much at once.  A friend of mine did an u/s today but she said it was still too early to see the baby.  She said my uterus looked nice and big though, definitely like something was happening in there.  I feel like the only for sure thing I have to tell is taking a test every few days.  It's just makes me feel better to see those little lines time after time, so I know I'm not just making it up. : )  My first Dr's appt is this Thursday morning, and then my friend said she's do another u/s next Monday.  She said sometimes just a week can make a huge difference, especially if the baby's a few ays to a week smaller then my actual pregnancy weeks.  So I'll probably measure a week or so smaller than I really am.  But that's okay.  As long as my little guy or girl is in there growing like they're supposed to.   I'll keep posted after my appt Thursday morning.

So today was my 14 DPO and I still hadn't started my period by the time work was done so I came home and tested, and voila, I'm PREGNANT!!!!!  I still can't believe it and I am in a state of shock.  I'm just so used to seeing the little negative sign it really took me by surprise.  I took a regular test from Target and the negative line instantly popped up, along with the control line, so I thought, great, I knew it, it didn't work this time.  I'm kind of obsessive about looking at the test multiple times after to make sure I didn't miss a hidden line anywhere and laid it flat on the top of the garbage.  I went back in about 10 minutes later and looked at it and was super surprised to see the faintest line making it a plus sign.  It was so faint I thought I was either imaging it or someone was playing a mean trick on me.  So I called my husband and told him and he said we'd go out and buy a digital test when he got home from work.  So we buy the test and I had to pee really bad anyways, so I just took it as soon as I got home.  I was afraid I hadn't been holding long enough for it to be concentrated enough to read, but sure enough, 3 minutes later the little Yes + popped up.  I was freaking out because there's no way the misread that!!  So this is it.  And I knew I'd be looking back (just not this soon) and thinking how dramatic I'd been.  According to my last period and clomid cycle, I'm about 4 weeks, due June, but I'm calling the Dr Monday to schedule an appt and get their official  date and get this show on the road.  I'm so excited for this baby to start growing!!!  But I hope it stays in there as long as it feels necessary also.  Ok, I'm falling asleep, but I'll be keeping updated.