So, quick update on our first appointment.  Everything looked really good and we even saw the heartbeat!  Oh yeah, and we're having twins.  TWINS!!!  We could see one heartbeat but not the other.  The doctor said that was completely normal and they might be developing at different rates since they're fraternal.  Plus one might have ovulated sooner or implanted a few days later.  We go back in 2 weeks to make sure they're both growing the way they should be.  We're still in shock and we found out 3 days ago.  But as soon as I saw them I loved them so much!  I'm starting to get really excited and hopeful for these babies.  More to come, but I wanted to share that little bit of news :)

It's been almost a week since I found out I'm pregnant.  It still doesn't feel real at all.  I called my doctor and scheduled an appointment for Dec 7.  Until then she's having me do blood work every few days to make sure my levels are raising properly.  I know I got a positive test, but a big part of me just expects nothing to be in there when it comes time for our appt.  But I keep telling myself, I haven't had any spotting or any reason to think it nots there anymore, so I must still be pregnant.  Last time I could feel that it wasn't going to last, and this time I don't feel that, but I can't help but worry because of our past experiences.  I guess the only thing that can assure me it's not gonna be the same is time passing and the buy continuing to grow and be healthy.  Every time Brian talks about it he says babies.  Plural. I asked him if he really thinks it's twins and he says no, but he can't seem to stop referring to it as them.  There is a strong chance it's twins, and while twins would be fun, and I'd appreciate the gift of two babies, I'm praying for one, lol.  But God knows what we can handle.  It's hard even thinking of it as a baby.  I think I'm so worried of growing attached and losing it again that I'm not letting myself feel it.  Which is sad.  I wish I was naive and could talk about it like it's a for sure thing.  But I can't.  I feel stupid even thinking some things because i know our chances.  Like I said, I'm soo VERY hopeful, but I'm trying not to get excited.  I'll be able to relax a little after our first appt, because by that point I'll have already made it further this time than last time.  Please grow little baby, I want to meet you!!

So... I'm pregnant!  I just found out Monday.  I'm trying not to get too excited, but I'm still really hopeful.  Cross your fingers!

I think I've given up. We're at the end of our third cycle and I'm just not feeling it. I had the best follicle ever this cycle (2.7 cm!) but I never even got a positive ovulation test. So who knows what happened to that little guy. Ive talked with Brian and we've agreed to go through the full 6 cycles, but I'm really just kinda going through the motions at this point. I'm not expecting anything. And I probably should be paying much closer than I am. I mean, we're still spending the money so I might as well no waste it and make the effort. But it's soo hard. I'm just done. I could have a baby or not have a baby and it would just all be the same to me at this point. Which is horrible. But it's been almost 3 years. I can't handle much more :( I'll be starting my next cycle sometime in the next week. I'll always have that little bit of hope, but the expectation is just gone. This is a really sucky and long and depressing ride to be on. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be learning, but all I feel is loss.

Alright. Cycle #3 follie check was today. I had a bunch of little ones on the right ovary and 1 massive one on the left measuring 2.7 cm. Amazing!!! So now we just pray it ovulated and we catch it :) but if we can't hit this I think were just outta luck. I mean, it's huge! So fingers crossed for the weekend!

Alright, cycle #2 is quickly coming to an end. I took a test saturday that was negative so I'm anticipating my period anytime now. I definitely feel it coming. And then on to cycle #3. Brian and I have decided that this is gonna be it. I'm not sure if the dr will let me go the full 6 rounds since we started at the highest dose, so whether we do one more or 4 more, this is it. Until maybe a few years down the road. I'm tired of being on all this medicine and spending all this money. My dr has me taking a new prenatal vitamin that is specially broken up already for women who suffer from infertility and it costs am arm and a leg! I'm just done. I wanna get off the metformin before my kidneys are affected too. So by January well be done no matter what. And then it's in the hands of God to heal me or do a miracle or just to prepare our hearts for not having kids. We both feel ready for some kind of end. I hope I get pregnant, but it's not gonna be my end all be all anymore. I can't take it. I wanna be in a better place where I can be excited for other women having babies and celebrate and not feel wanna cry everytime I see a baby or hear that someone I know is pregnant. It's not fun :( so well see... Im not sure where this is gonna lead.

Cycle #2 here I come.  I'm on CD 4 and I'm already not sure how I feel about it.

Wow, so it turns out I'm pretty sure I had another miscarriage.  I didn't even know I was pregnant and the tests kept coming back positive, but my temps stayed high and it was 22 days from ovulation to period.  And then today just kind of confirmed it for me.  It was just like last time only it hurt less.  I would have been 6 weeks yesterday.  I fin it oddly comforting that we didn't know for all of it, but I also feel sad for the baby because we didn't know it was there to love.  But I know I have 2 babies waiting for me in heaven now.  I don't care what the tests say.  I know what was happening with my body.  I should have trusted my gut, but in this case it wouldn't really have made a difference.  I start my new cycle Saturday night.  I'm really anxious.  If every pregnancy I have ends up in lose I don't know if I can handle that.  But I'm taking it one day at a time and trusting God to help carry me through it.

I'm sitting here in the drs office waiting for her to come in. I started my period so were back to square one. I've only been back for one cycle and I'm already sick of the roller coaster. I told Brian I'm not sure how much more I can take. But I know and believe and trust that this will all be worth it in the end. Results to come. I feel like I might have a cyst...

Ok, here's some catch up...  It's 21 DPO and i have yet to start my period and I've taken 4 negative pregnancy tests since last Wednesday (and my temps have actually continued to stay high even up to this morning!)  I have no idea what's happening.  I've been on the progesterone for 22 days now and if I'm not pregnant it's supposed to force a period 10-14 days from starting it.  And I have had NO period!!  It's the worst :(  I wish something would just happen.  I've never had a clomid cycle take this long.  Or be so confusing.  My periods always come normal whether I ovulate in the cycle or not.  Who knows.  If it doesn't start this week I'll call my doctor and see what she says.  I'm eager to start again.  I'm just hoping nothing is wrong.

6 more days.  It's killing me!!!

I'm in my 2ww and I remember how bad this wait sucks now :(  I ovulated pretty late in the cycle, so I had give up and started my progesterone a few days before I ended up ovulating.  I'm really hoping we didn't miss it because I ovulated sometime Tuesday or Wednesday and the last time we BD was Sunday night.  It ended up being around CD 22 or something.  And I only know because I randomly decided to take my temp on Wednesday morning and it had sky rocketed.  So it was sometime between when I took my temp Monday morning and Wednesday morning.  So if we do get pregnant I feel like it for sure has to be a girl.  12 days left and I can take a test if my period hasn't started.  I'm also a little worried that the progesterone I took for the 2 or 3 days before I ovulated will mess something up, but if I ovulated anyways I guess nothing else could be affected.  Who knows.  Maybe it was a mixture of the perfect storm for a little baby to be made and grow.  I hope so!!  This will be a long 2 weeks.

Alright, it's CD 16 and I have yet to ovulate or get a positive test, but I know I have eggies in there because I saw them at my appt on Monday.  I had 2 goods one on the left and one on the right.  I actually ran out of ovulator predictors so I'm just going to keep taking my temp and see if i end up ovulating.  We're pretty much doing the BD everyday regardless just to be safe, so I figure it doesn't really matter at this point.  I start my progesterone on Sunday night, so I'm hoping my temps indicate ovulation before that.  It'll be really frustrating if I had so many good follicles and none of them even ovulate.  But what can a girl do?  If that's the case we'll opt for the shot next time that makes me ovulate.  But I figured we'd be ok in that area since the last time I did a cycle and had good follicles I ovulated on my own and got pregnant.  Time will tell...  I'm getting really nervous though.  I know it's just our first cycle back but I hate all these hormones and I really don't want to do it again.  I will, don't get me wrong!  I just don't want to.  But whatever sacrifices I make now will all be worth it in the end when I'm (hopefully) holding my baby in my arm.  Until then it's just sad.  And I hate waiting.

I'm back.  It has been a long and very much needed break, but I'm finally ready to keep going on this crazy ride.  Last month we decided to go ahead and try again, so I went to the Dr on my day 3 and of all things there was a cyst!  So she said to give it another month and come back.  So we went back this last Friday and everything looked great.  I started Friday night and I'm on day 4 of the Clomid and day 7 of my cycle.  So far, I can't really remember if it's like last time yet or not, but I figure once i get on the estrogen the emotions will come flooding.  The 150 mg dose worked for us last time so the Dr said she would start us there again, even though it had been so long since I'd been on anything.  I'm really hopeful, but I'm also thinking that since it's just the first cycle, even at the high dose again, my body might take a time or two to get up to speed.  But we'll see.  It's still really weird to be getting into this stuff again.

Our due date was in June and I actually had a harder time with it than i thought I would.  Plus I had to go t a wedding that day and watch people be happy and hopeful for the future and something inside me just snapped.  But my husband is amazing and he went into the bathroom with me and just let me cry and cry.  I can't imagine coming to that time next year and still not even being pregnant yet.

My follow up appt to see if any follicles grew is next Monday.  Cross your fingers!