Attempt #2

So I got my period, called my doctor and am now halfway though my 2nd clomid cycle.  I went in yesterday afternoon, which was my CD12, to see if I had any eggs and I did have several, but they were all pretty small.  I had one good one on my right ovary that was 14.5 mm, but it was still smaller than they wanted so I'm going in again tomorrow morning to see if it has grown any.  All day I was talking to it and telling it to GROW!  But if it doesn't want to and this is not our month, that's ok too.  I feel like I've been slightly worse this cycle emotionally, but they did up me to 100 mg's for this one so I kind of expected it.  It's actually been pretty good considering I took more.  I'm ready though to see the 2 lines on the pregnancy test.  I've been taking OPK tests every morning and they're pretty light, and actually much much lighter than they were at this point last cycle.  So I'm not sure if I'm just ovulating later, or if I just won't this time.  But I keep feeling twinges on that right side and everytime I hope and hope that it's my little egg trying to get big enough to work.  I'll now tomorrow morning though if there's any hope for this cycle.  Wish me luck!!

12 dpo

The depression has set in.  Every morning for the last few days I have been so depressed.  I hate it!  I don't know if it's the hormones or what, but it's driving me crazy.  It feels so out of body.  I just sit and watch myself look so sad and tired and worn out and I can't do anything about it.  Everything just feels so negative all the time when I'm in those moods.  Hopefully ti is the hormones cause I'd hate for it to just be me.  I've gone in and out of mild depression my whole life, but this feels like it's happening more and stronger.  It usually fades by lunch time and I come out of my little shell and talk to the world.  I always feel better after I start talking to someone.

My cycle is quickly coming to an end...  and I'm starting to feel really nervous.  I wasn't really feeling anything note worthy for a few days, and then starting yesterday I had some cramping again.  Could be period cramping, but it feels different.  A little more sharp, and sometimes my stomach even feels sore.  Plus, TMI, but I've been really gassy with diarrhea almost everyday.  I don't know if anyone else ever has that, but it's not really normal for me usually.  And I haven't been eating differently or anything so I don't think there's anything abnormal causing it.  2 more days of my progesterone pills and then I can test.  I haven't tested yet, and I don't think I even want to.  I feel like it would be so much less disappointing to see my period than a BFN.  But we'll see how I feel come Saturday if I haven't started yet.  I responded really well to the progesterone last time to start my period after 10 days of it, so I figure if I'm not pregnant it'll make me start by Friday or Saturday.  I think I'm gonna just keep watching my temps too.  They've been really high since I ovulated and if they're still high in 6 days I'll test, even if I feel like I'm having a period.  I've lost track of where I am in the cycle though.  Before I wrote the title I had to count back and really think about it.  So it's been going by quicker.

I've really been praying for peace lately and that if our time to have a baby is not for awhile, that God would lessen that desire in me.  And I almost feel sad about it, but I have felt that desire lessened.  So maybe it's not our time and maybe it is, but I've felt a little less urgent about it all lately.  I still want to be a mom with everything that I am, but I think I can wait if I need to.  We'll keep going with the clomid for the full 6 cycles, but if it doesn't happen I'm ready to just wait until it happens on it's own.  But if I did get pregnant in these 6 cycles of course I would be ecstatic!!!!!  I'd be more happy than anything.  And I'm still hoping it will work, but I'm also prepared more now to wait if I need to...

5 DPO

So here I am, in the middle of my wait, and it's taking FOREVER!!  The last few days I've been having a lot of cramping and general bloating.  It's not usual for me so far before my period, so I'm hoping it's a little baby making a cozy place to live inside me.  If it's not, I wish it would just go away!  I hate cramping.  But it's all in the name of baby love.  I keep trying not to lift things that are heavy or bend at the waist for anything, but when I do I definitely feel tugging and more cramping.  I've been on the progesterone since Sunday night and I think it almost makes me more emotional than the clomid or estrogen.  I've been crying at shows, commercials, movies and all kinds of other totally not normally sad things.  I was even watching a show about making cakes and someone got engaged and I was practically sobbing.  Could be some early pregnancy hormones, but most likely it's just me being a baby.  :)  9 more days and I can test!!  All of my fingers and toes are crossed and I'm praying like crazy!