I'm 16 weeks today and it is going really great so far!  I've been feeling the baby move since 14 weeks and I love it!  I had an ultrasound for fun at 14 1/2 weeks at work and we found out we're having a little boy!!  We both wanted a boy first so we're super excited :) I'm still losing weight but my belly is growing and the doctor doesn't seem worried at all.  So hopefully I actually start seeing some weight gain soon.  I've been sleeping not very well.  Part of it I'm sure is that I just can't seem to turn my mind off.  I feel like there's a million things I need and want to do, but we're not really far enough for me to justify doing anything.  I figure at our 20 week mark I'll feel more ready.  We're moving so the baby will actually have his own room that I can put things in and get ready.  I'm just still in disbelief that this is happening to me.  It's amazing and I love seeing and feeling the changes in my body as it gets further.  He's already a very active little boy, and always measures bigger then he is.  So we may have him before our due date which I wouldn't mind at all! But he can stay in there as long as he wants.  I won't kick him out :) Ok, I need to go eat!

I'll be 14 weeks on Wednesday!  I honestly never thought I'd get to this point.  It's amazing and crazy and scary and nerve wracking all at the same time.  I'm getting to that point where I'm admitting to myself that it's really going to happen.  It took awhile, but I see my baby as a baby now.  Which I love!!  We've been lucky and had several ultrasounds, and some girls at whorl scanned me twice.  The baby moves around so much and I'm pretty sure at our 12 week scan we saw some little boy parts.  Our doctor wouldn't say anything, but there was definitely something there, regardless of what it is lol. I'm hoping for a boy so maybe it was just my wishful thinking.

I'm feeling way better than I did a few weeks ago.  From 4 weeks till right after 12 weeks I was sick all the time and so SO tired!  I'm still tired but some of my energy's back and I can feel my appetite coming back.  I lost around 5 pounds the between 4 and 12 weeks, and put it all back on in the last 2.  My chest has been tender but not painful, and it seems like they're finally starting to grow!  Which I'm very happy about.  And because I haven't really gained any weight everything is showing pretty much only in my tummy.  I woke up a few days before 13 weeks and it was just there.  I'm in maternity clothes all the time now which are super comfy and have made my life so much better!  I can't wait until I'm at that point where I'm obviously pregnant though.  I'm still stuck in that stage where I could or could not be and people would be afraid to ask.  I think I'm only a few weeks away from that though.  It seems to be sticking out more and more now.

And in 3 1/2 weeks we find out if it's a boy or girl!  I scheduled a 4D ultrasound and our parents are going to come with us and find out too.  I'm excited to see the baby again and for all of our parents to see.  It's really the most amazing thing I've ever seen.  Especially in 4D.  It's going to be so weird to see its face and all of the details of its body.  I can't wait!!

I finally have a massage scheduled with my friend for Thursday.  I am in serious need of one.  My back has been hurting so bad and I haven't been sleeping very well.  But I'm going to see my friend once a week so I'm hoping that it helps.  It should, or at least make me more relaxed.  I've been beyond irritable lately.  And I can see it just getting worse as I get more and more uncomfortable.  But you never know.  :)

It's been a little while but things are still going really well! There's only one baby now, which is fine, and it's big and healthy and measuring a day further than we are. I had my third appt today and got to see the baby! It had arms and legs and we could even see it moving around and kicking. So crazy! I'm 10 weeks today and we go back in 2 weeks just to keep an eye out hat the baby we lost is doing what it's supposed to and not causing any problems for the other baby. So anyways, that's where we're at! I've been really sick the last week. The whole pregnancy I've been sick but it's been worse lately. I'm hoping it means the baby was going through a growth spurt :) ok, more later!

So, quick update on our first appointment.  Everything looked really good and we even saw the heartbeat!  Oh yeah, and we're having twins.  TWINS!!!  We could see one heartbeat but not the other.  The doctor said that was completely normal and they might be developing at different rates since they're fraternal.  Plus one might have ovulated sooner or implanted a few days later.  We go back in 2 weeks to make sure they're both growing the way they should be.  We're still in shock and we found out 3 days ago.  But as soon as I saw them I loved them so much!  I'm starting to get really excited and hopeful for these babies.  More to come, but I wanted to share that little bit of news :)

It's been almost a week since I found out I'm pregnant.  It still doesn't feel real at all.  I called my doctor and scheduled an appointment for Dec 7.  Until then she's having me do blood work every few days to make sure my levels are raising properly.  I know I got a positive test, but a big part of me just expects nothing to be in there when it comes time for our appt.  But I keep telling myself, I haven't had any spotting or any reason to think it nots there anymore, so I must still be pregnant.  Last time I could feel that it wasn't going to last, and this time I don't feel that, but I can't help but worry because of our past experiences.  I guess the only thing that can assure me it's not gonna be the same is time passing and the buy continuing to grow and be healthy.  Every time Brian talks about it he says babies.  Plural. I asked him if he really thinks it's twins and he says no, but he can't seem to stop referring to it as them.  There is a strong chance it's twins, and while twins would be fun, and I'd appreciate the gift of two babies, I'm praying for one, lol.  But God knows what we can handle.  It's hard even thinking of it as a baby.  I think I'm so worried of growing attached and losing it again that I'm not letting myself feel it.  Which is sad.  I wish I was naive and could talk about it like it's a for sure thing.  But I can't.  I feel stupid even thinking some things because i know our chances.  Like I said, I'm soo VERY hopeful, but I'm trying not to get excited.  I'll be able to relax a little after our first appt, because by that point I'll have already made it further this time than last time.  Please grow little baby, I want to meet you!!

So... I'm pregnant!  I just found out Monday.  I'm trying not to get too excited, but I'm still really hopeful.  Cross your fingers!

I think I've given up. We're at the end of our third cycle and I'm just not feeling it. I had the best follicle ever this cycle (2.7 cm!) but I never even got a positive ovulation test. So who knows what happened to that little guy. Ive talked with Brian and we've agreed to go through the full 6 cycles, but I'm really just kinda going through the motions at this point. I'm not expecting anything. And I probably should be paying much closer than I am. I mean, we're still spending the money so I might as well no waste it and make the effort. But it's soo hard. I'm just done. I could have a baby or not have a baby and it would just all be the same to me at this point. Which is horrible. But it's been almost 3 years. I can't handle much more :( I'll be starting my next cycle sometime in the next week. I'll always have that little bit of hope, but the expectation is just gone. This is a really sucky and long and depressing ride to be on. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be learning, but all I feel is loss.