It's been almost a week since I found out I'm pregnant.  It still doesn't feel real at all.  I called my doctor and scheduled an appointment for Dec 7.  Until then she's having me do blood work every few days to make sure my levels are raising properly.  I know I got a positive test, but a big part of me just expects nothing to be in there when it comes time for our appt.  But I keep telling myself, I haven't had any spotting or any reason to think it nots there anymore, so I must still be pregnant.  Last time I could feel that it wasn't going to last, and this time I don't feel that, but I can't help but worry because of our past experiences.  I guess the only thing that can assure me it's not gonna be the same is time passing and the buy continuing to grow and be healthy.  Every time Brian talks about it he says babies.  Plural. I asked him if he really thinks it's twins and he says no, but he can't seem to stop referring to it as them.  There is a strong chance it's twins, and while twins would be fun, and I'd appreciate the gift of two babies, I'm praying for one, lol.  But God knows what we can handle.  It's hard even thinking of it as a baby.  I think I'm so worried of growing attached and losing it again that I'm not letting myself feel it.  Which is sad.  I wish I was naive and could talk about it like it's a for sure thing.  But I can't.  I feel stupid even thinking some things because i know our chances.  Like I said, I'm soo VERY hopeful, but I'm trying not to get excited.  I'll be able to relax a little after our first appt, because by that point I'll have already made it further this time than last time.  Please grow little baby, I want to meet you!!

So... I'm pregnant!  I just found out Monday.  I'm trying not to get too excited, but I'm still really hopeful.  Cross your fingers!

I think I've given up. We're at the end of our third cycle and I'm just not feeling it. I had the best follicle ever this cycle (2.7 cm!) but I never even got a positive ovulation test. So who knows what happened to that little guy. Ive talked with Brian and we've agreed to go through the full 6 cycles, but I'm really just kinda going through the motions at this point. I'm not expecting anything. And I probably should be paying much closer than I am. I mean, we're still spending the money so I might as well no waste it and make the effort. But it's soo hard. I'm just done. I could have a baby or not have a baby and it would just all be the same to me at this point. Which is horrible. But it's been almost 3 years. I can't handle much more :( I'll be starting my next cycle sometime in the next week. I'll always have that little bit of hope, but the expectation is just gone. This is a really sucky and long and depressing ride to be on. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be learning, but all I feel is loss.

Alright. Cycle #3 follie check was today. I had a bunch of little ones on the right ovary and 1 massive one on the left measuring 2.7 cm. Amazing!!! So now we just pray it ovulated and we catch it :) but if we can't hit this I think were just outta luck. I mean, it's huge! So fingers crossed for the weekend!

Alright, cycle #2 is quickly coming to an end. I took a test saturday that was negative so I'm anticipating my period anytime now. I definitely feel it coming. And then on to cycle #3. Brian and I have decided that this is gonna be it. I'm not sure if the dr will let me go the full 6 rounds since we started at the highest dose, so whether we do one more or 4 more, this is it. Until maybe a few years down the road. I'm tired of being on all this medicine and spending all this money. My dr has me taking a new prenatal vitamin that is specially broken up already for women who suffer from infertility and it costs am arm and a leg! I'm just done. I wanna get off the metformin before my kidneys are affected too. So by January well be done no matter what. And then it's in the hands of God to heal me or do a miracle or just to prepare our hearts for not having kids. We both feel ready for some kind of end. I hope I get pregnant, but it's not gonna be my end all be all anymore. I can't take it. I wanna be in a better place where I can be excited for other women having babies and celebrate and not feel wanna cry everytime I see a baby or hear that someone I know is pregnant. It's not fun :( so well see... Im not sure where this is gonna lead.

Cycle #2 here I come.  I'm on CD 4 and I'm already not sure how I feel about it.

Wow, so it turns out I'm pretty sure I had another miscarriage.  I didn't even know I was pregnant and the tests kept coming back positive, but my temps stayed high and it was 22 days from ovulation to period.  And then today just kind of confirmed it for me.  It was just like last time only it hurt less.  I would have been 6 weeks yesterday.  I fin it oddly comforting that we didn't know for all of it, but I also feel sad for the baby because we didn't know it was there to love.  But I know I have 2 babies waiting for me in heaven now.  I don't care what the tests say.  I know what was happening with my body.  I should have trusted my gut, but in this case it wouldn't really have made a difference.  I start my new cycle Saturday night.  I'm really anxious.  If every pregnancy I have ends up in lose I don't know if I can handle that.  But I'm taking it one day at a time and trusting God to help carry me through it.