Attempt #2

So I got my period, called my doctor and am now halfway though my 2nd clomid cycle.  I went in yesterday afternoon, which was my CD12, to see if I had any eggs and I did have several, but they were all pretty small.  I had one good one on my right ovary that was 14.5 mm, but it was still smaller than they wanted so I'm going in again tomorrow morning to see if it has grown any.  All day I was talking to it and telling it to GROW!  But if it doesn't want to and this is not our month, that's ok too.  I feel like I've been slightly worse this cycle emotionally, but they did up me to 100 mg's for this one so I kind of expected it.  It's actually been pretty good considering I took more.  I'm ready though to see the 2 lines on the pregnancy test.  I've been taking OPK tests every morning and they're pretty light, and actually much much lighter than they were at this point last cycle.  So I'm not sure if I'm just ovulating later, or if I just won't this time.  But I keep feeling twinges on that right side and everytime I hope and hope that it's my little egg trying to get big enough to work.  I'll now tomorrow morning though if there's any hope for this cycle.  Wish me luck!!

12 dpo

The depression has set in.  Every morning for the last few days I have been so depressed.  I hate it!  I don't know if it's the hormones or what, but it's driving me crazy.  It feels so out of body.  I just sit and watch myself look so sad and tired and worn out and I can't do anything about it.  Everything just feels so negative all the time when I'm in those moods.  Hopefully ti is the hormones cause I'd hate for it to just be me.  I've gone in and out of mild depression my whole life, but this feels like it's happening more and stronger.  It usually fades by lunch time and I come out of my little shell and talk to the world.  I always feel better after I start talking to someone.

My cycle is quickly coming to an end...  and I'm starting to feel really nervous.  I wasn't really feeling anything note worthy for a few days, and then starting yesterday I had some cramping again.  Could be period cramping, but it feels different.  A little more sharp, and sometimes my stomach even feels sore.  Plus, TMI, but I've been really gassy with diarrhea almost everyday.  I don't know if anyone else ever has that, but it's not really normal for me usually.  And I haven't been eating differently or anything so I don't think there's anything abnormal causing it.  2 more days of my progesterone pills and then I can test.  I haven't tested yet, and I don't think I even want to.  I feel like it would be so much less disappointing to see my period than a BFN.  But we'll see how I feel come Saturday if I haven't started yet.  I responded really well to the progesterone last time to start my period after 10 days of it, so I figure if I'm not pregnant it'll make me start by Friday or Saturday.  I think I'm gonna just keep watching my temps too.  They've been really high since I ovulated and if they're still high in 6 days I'll test, even if I feel like I'm having a period.  I've lost track of where I am in the cycle though.  Before I wrote the title I had to count back and really think about it.  So it's been going by quicker.

I've really been praying for peace lately and that if our time to have a baby is not for awhile, that God would lessen that desire in me.  And I almost feel sad about it, but I have felt that desire lessened.  So maybe it's not our time and maybe it is, but I've felt a little less urgent about it all lately.  I still want to be a mom with everything that I am, but I think I can wait if I need to.  We'll keep going with the clomid for the full 6 cycles, but if it doesn't happen I'm ready to just wait until it happens on it's own.  But if I did get pregnant in these 6 cycles of course I would be ecstatic!!!!!  I'd be more happy than anything.  And I'm still hoping it will work, but I'm also prepared more now to wait if I need to...

5 DPO

So here I am, in the middle of my wait, and it's taking FOREVER!!  The last few days I've been having a lot of cramping and general bloating.  It's not usual for me so far before my period, so I'm hoping it's a little baby making a cozy place to live inside me.  If it's not, I wish it would just go away!  I hate cramping.  But it's all in the name of baby love.  I keep trying not to lift things that are heavy or bend at the waist for anything, but when I do I definitely feel tugging and more cramping.  I've been on the progesterone since Sunday night and I think it almost makes me more emotional than the clomid or estrogen.  I've been crying at shows, commercials, movies and all kinds of other totally not normally sad things.  I was even watching a show about making cakes and someone got engaged and I was practically sobbing.  Could be some early pregnancy hormones, but most likely it's just me being a baby.  :)  9 more days and I can test!!  All of my fingers and toes are crossed and I'm praying like crazy!

2ww...

I can't believe I'm in a 2ww!!!!!  It's the first one I've ever been in that I actually knew for sure was a legit wait.  On Monday I had a Dr's appointment to see if I had any egg's growing, which was CD 12, and they found one egg on my left ovary that measured in at just under 16 mm.  The NP wanted to see if it grew any bigger for dosage reasons in the next cycle in case it didn't work this time, so I went in again Thursday to check it again, which was CD 15.  The Dr. had a hard time seeing what the assistant had seen on Monday so he brought her in the see if she could find it again.  She looked and couldn't find it either.  I was starting to lose hope that she had seen it right on Monday, but they found the follicle.  It was a lot smaller and more oval shaped then before, but the Dr said that meant that I had ovulated it, and probably just recently because he could see fluid leaking out of the follicle still.  So that means I ovulated for sure on my own!!!!  We went home and BD one last time after the appointment (plus, what husband wouldn't want a midday quickie : ) ), but I'm pretty sure it didn't really make it.  So now I'm just waiting.  I start progesterone on Sunday night and I take it until I either start my period or get a BFP.  So in 2 weeks I test and know if I need to start over or get really excited!  My first 2ww!  I actually like this part more so far compared to  waiting to see if anything happened from the Clomid.  I feel like ovulation and the egg alone were success, and I'm hoping if I have to do multiple cycles of this my body responds to the low dose the same way.  It's so weird to think that in 2 weeks I could find out that my life might be changing forever.  But I'm so excited and I need the change!!  Come on life, bring it on!~

Clomid #1

So I'm done with my first round of Clomid!  And it makes me feel so productive.  :)  Today was CD 12 and I we went in for or u/s.  I have one egg on my right ovary that measures in at 16 mm.  I'm going back in Thursday afternoon to see if it has gotten any bigger so that if I don't get pregnant this cycle they'll know if thy need to increase my dosage for next time.  I'm feeling very hopeful and excited!  There is success alone in the fact that my body actually grew an egg!!!  Even if I don't get pregnant it's success for me.  Strange how small things can seem like such big steps forward.  No bad side effects as of yet.  Brian says he's noticed that my high's and low's are a little more noticeable, but other than that I feel normal.  I'm hoping 50 mg's is enough because I sense that my mood would drastically worsen on a stronger dosage.  I'm crossing my fingers!  BUt so far so good.  Still hopeful, which for me is the important thing.  I'm a little nervous about the next appointment though.  We've been seeing the assistant and she's not available on Thursday, so we have to see the main Dr.  But he's a man.  And I know I'll get over it, but there's hasn't been a man down there other than my husband, like, ever!  So it'll be a new experience for me.  And I hope he's nice.  Wish me luck with my little egg!

I'm officially on the infertility treatment plan.  After I saw my doctor before my HSG, she said to call her when I started my period so that they could do an U/S to see if I have any cysts and start on Clomid.  Of course this cycle chooses to go extra long with multiple negative tests, so I finally called and asked for a referral for blood work and permission to start on progesterone if it ended up being negative also.  Thy said fine, the test was negative and I started my Prometrium.  After only 2 days my period finally decides to show so I scheduled an appointment for today to to do my tests.  Everything checked out clear so she wrote me up for 50 mgs of Clomid to start tomorrow.  I go in again the 26th for my follie scan and then see how it's going.  I'm hoping this can just hurry up and be it, but I know it could take all the way up to the full 6 cycles and then not even then possibly.  Which would suck!!  But it'll all be worth it in the end.

It feels good to be doing something.  That alone makes me feel more hopeful in general.  Just that we'll even have a chance is exciting to me!  And I think this would be such an ideal time to get pregnant.  Summers halfway over and I'd be my biggest in the spring when the weathers still nice.  But a baby who wants to come at any time would be welcomed!

I met with my aunt this morning to talk about everything I'm going through lately.  She made me feel like I have something seriously wrong with me.  She was going on and on about how our family has been so lucky and no one's ever been really injured or sick in anyway and that this is the first time in our family someone's had a physical problem that they've been diagnosed with.  Everyone has had kids so easy with little trying and she figured we all just be as fertile as they come and was very surprised.  She started talking to me about getting egg donors and adoption and have we decided what we're going to do?  I told her, yes, there are a lot of options for us, but we haven't even really gotten into the infertility arena because I've never even been on Clomid, so we have lots of time to make further decisions if nothing happens in the next year.  She just seemed very curious about it all.  I think her daughter-in-law is going through some of this behind her back and so she wanted to talk to someone who would tell her whatever she wanted to know.  I'm not private by any means so I answered every question she had and entertained all of her ideas with her.  She doesn't really know how to talk to someone with infertility so I was a good sounding board for her.  I liked talking about it with someone who was actually interested in it.  Everyone else is bored with it at this point, so I don't talk about things a whole lot.

I'm excited to go in for my acupuncture session on Monday afternoon.  I'm not sure if it will work because I was really really almost on my death bed sick, and my temps have been all over the place since then so I'm not sure if I ovulated, or if the high temps are lingering from being sick, or if being sick in general messed up the cycle and is making me ovulate later than usual.  Not that I really ovulate, but my body acts like it does.  So all that to say is that I'm not sure the acupuncture will be that effective because they like you to do it the day before you ovulate and I have lost track of that this cycle.  :)  But I'm so close to getting on the Clomid!!!  All I have to do is hurry up and start a new cycle and they'll do the U/S to check for cysts and than I'll be on it!  I'm crossing my fingers for no cysts...

I was talking to another aunt a few weeks ago who tried for a few years for her first baby and was put on Clomid.  All they gave her was 25 mg for 5 days and she got pregnant the first cycle!  She needed it for her 2nd baby also but it was exactly the same as the first time.  And she got pregnant on her own with her 3rd.  She never thought she'd have one baby, let alone 3 beautiful girls!  So hopefully that'll be me~~~~!   Twins would be fine too, so I don't mind the risk there.  It freaks my husband out a little though.  Especially for our first and just where we are in our lives.  Supporting one baby financially is much easier than two.

Alright, enough from me.  Updates to come.