It's been awhile...

So, I'm gonna try this again.  I'm never very good at keeping up with journals or diaries, and I thought blogging would be so much easier, but it turns out not for me!  I was going over my older blogs, and though I didn't get very far, I had already forgotten some of the things that have happened in these last 7 months.  In my head, we'd been TTC for only a few months, but my first post was in June!  That's 7 months!  And probably about 5 total cycles.  I'm wanting to get more serious about everything now and so I need to really keep up worth this.  Even just for myself to remember later.  I was doing my OPK's at first and I thought that was good enough, but I've learned that it's not actually all that accurate.  My aunt got me Taking Charge of Your Fertility for my birthday, and I'm really loving it.  I'm excited to get started!  So let me start from where I left off.  In October I had this weird 7-8 day spotting a week before my period was supposed to start and I thought it might have been implantation bleeding.  I really had myself convinced that I was pregnant.  So the spotting came and went, I took a test every week for 3 weeks after that, and nothing.  I think I wouldn't have been so upset about it, except I really felt like I was.  Something was happening that had me convinced mentally and physically.  Plus, I've been late, and later, but NEVER early.  And I've never spotted before.  So it was all a little different.  It was a BFN and AF finally came, only this time it was a week later than I usually start.  But it was the same spotting again.  Weird.  I have no idea what's going on with me.  At all.  And that had me freaked out if I could even get pregnant at all.  So now I'm just waiting for it to all start again so I can temp this time and try to figure out what's up.  And I'm definitely ready.  I have a Dr's appt at the end of February, just to get a check up.  I don't plan on mentioning that were trying, but maybe that we're thinking about starting.  I'm not ready to get lumped into the infertility world just yet and I'm worried if she knows it's coming up on 8 months she'll do something different.  I just really want to go and have her tell me I'm healthy and it should be no problem for us to get pregnant. I haven't ben trying long or hard enough to try something else yet..  I'm kind of worried about the temping though.  I'm not really a morning person and sleep is just about more important than anything in the morning.  Even temping.  I can find a way to justify almost everything in the morning. And I might not be that consistent...  So I'm worried it won't work how it's supposed to.  And what if I can't tell the difference between the different stages of CM?  Getting pregnant could take me awhile unless I get lucky.  Which I've never really had much of.  It's all more than I can claim to know or understand.  All I know is I want and need my baby to come along.  I dont know how strong I am and how long I can wait.  

Not this time.

So, I thought it might have happened, but it didn't... I had spotting about a week before my period was supposed to start and stomach cramping and low back pain and other things, but I've taken 2 tests since then and they just keep coming up negative. It's only been a week since the spotting stopped, so I'l try again next week. Some friends of mine didn't get their positive until 2 weeks after their spotting. One more try next week and then it's off to another month. When will be our month?

Not much going on

So, I ended my period about 2 weeks ago I think, so now I'm just sitting and waiting.  Me and Brian decided we weren't going to 'try' but just do things normally.  I think it freaked me out knowing when I o'd last time and made me focus too much on it.  I know it was only one time, but I'd rather it not take forever.  Not that anyone goes into it thinking they want to try for 1, 2 even 5 years.  But I'm just tired already of thinking about it.  The further into this we get the less I think about tit though I've noticed.  And not keeping track helps me not think about it.  I just need to relax.  And start eating better.  And work out.  And quit drinking.  Brian has been really good about it.  I don;t think he's had a drink in a few months.  We don't want those sperm killing themselves off.  Everytime we have sex though, when it's over, I'm worried about stuff getting out, or which position should I lay in to get optimal sperm travel to the egg.  And I know it's too early to have O'd, but I think about it even now.  Just practice I guess.  And we've been going wit the every other day approach.  Letting his guys recuperate but making sure it's semi-regular.  I don't have any feelings about how it's gonna go anymore.  Everyone talks about how they feel this is the month, but I don't have  any idea.  There's no intuition there at all.  The girl I work with who is pregnant is getting big enough to see and she's only 10 weeks.  She's having her first U/S on Friday to make sure everything is going good.  I can't wait until that's me.  I was walking around the mall waiting for my wedding ring to get fixed today and I swear every other woman I saw was pregnant.  WTF!  I'd just rather not see all that right now, thank you very much.  But I bet it gets even worse.  :(

Still Waiting

I think I'm very much a beginner at all of this.  I have no idea how my cycle usually works, when I O, or how long form my O my period starts.  I should be starting any day according to how long my cycles usually last.  From when I went off the pill in Feb they've been a pretty consistent 33-38 days apart.  And today is day 36.  I took a test and got the faintest of faint little blue lines that I probably just imagined, but I swear I saw something.  So I went out and bought another test and of course it was negative.  But maybe I O'd late or it took the longest amount of days it could take to implant or something.  I counted and if everything was just a little late I'd only be around  or 7 DPO even though my period is late or a few days away.  But maybe I'm just creating every possible scenerio to be pregnant.  More and more I'm having physical reactions to the thought of not being pregnant.  I just found out a girl that works closely with me is pregnant.  She said she didn't want to tell me because she knows we're trying and that I might be and she was waiting to tell me once she found out I was too.  It could have been months and months that she waited.  I would've found out eventually!  It's true what people say.  Once you are trying or thinking about having a baby, EVERYONE around you gets pregnant or finally has their baby, or you just run into pregnant women on the street everywhere you go.  It's inescapable!  I'm even in prenatal massage right now in school and tonight we have 6 pregnant women coming to do our finals on.  And I have to touch her!  It'll be hard to be massaging someone else's baby in their stomach.  Maybe it'll rub off on me though.  But I still don't know for sure if I am or not.  I guess until my period comes I can still hope.

I'm feeling very hopeful.  Because we've ever really tried before, I'm not sure what I should be feeling right now.  I had a lot of cramps today and felt gassy, which seems like something that goes with the first few weeks of pregnancy.  So we'll see.  I O'd somewhere around Sunday or Monday maybe, because my test showed a positive pink line as early as Friday morning.  We Friday, Sat, and Sun and he went out of town on Monday.  Seems like a good amount.  I predict my period will start around next Sat maybe, so if I go past that much I'll take a test and see what it says.  Hopefully we'll have a positive.  I know the chances are slim with it being the first ever time trying and all, but you never know.  Some of the other blogs I read leave me thinking there;s no chance ever!  But I have to be positive and maybe manifest a little that it will happen.  I will be pregnant!  Maybe.  Someday. Who knows?

Moving!

We' re getting so close to our move in date!  I feel so cramped in our little apartment.  It's been 2 years of 400 sq. feet and I'm am ready!  I think moving is part of the reason Brian feels more ready for a baby.  More space equals bigger family I guess.  Which is fine by me!  I'm ready!  This cycle coming up is the first one that we'll really be trying for, and I'm not sure how I'll handle it.  When I read other people's feelings about it it seems so stressful and disappointing.  I don't want it to start to rule my life but I have a feeling I won't have a choice.  I'm nervous to see how I do react to trying on the right days at the right time and not getting pregnant still.  And how many months of that can I take?  I've been taking my ov tests every morning and even though everyone ovulates at different times, it's for sure too early for anyone.  I only ended my period 3 days ago.  So I've got awhile till I see the bright little pink line.  I've been taking my temp every morning at the same time.  I'm curious to see how it all correlates and if I can predict when I'm ovulation from now on based on my temp.  I bought a little dress this weekend.  It makes me feel like something is more real.  I can't help it.  I already have a fairly large collection of stuff that I'll use for my baby.  Maybe I should stop.

Over

My period just ended so I think we're gonna start going for it.  I'm really hoping that it happens quickly because I'm not very good at waiting.  No patience for me.  Once I'm pregnant I have a feeling that I'll want it to last forever.  I can wait for the baby as long as I know its really in there.  I have been seeing pregnant women everywhere lately.  It must be in the air.  I asked my teacher if being pregnant would affect school and giving massages, but she said it would be fine.  That was what I was really worried about.  I need to be able to receive massages, but I can still do prenatal once I'm past my first trimester.  I can't wait to be able to get massages though.  A lot of women aren't able to get that kind of  physical relief.  I only have 5 more months of school, so I'd only get a month or 2 max of massages until I am out of school and having to pay for it.  I can't really massage myself.  I could probably teach Brian though.  I just want it to happen so bad!